I know most people mean well. I really do. I also know that people’s opinions say more about them than the person they’re dishing them out to. And yet, I have moments when I sincerely wish people would just shut the hell up.

You see, even in the 21st century, single women in their late 30s are eyed with pity at best and suspicion at worst. We stand out. We don’t fit the cookie-cutter. And we all know how humans love their cookie cutters. They think that if you’re still single at this point in your life then you must be wretched and miserable (and if you’re not you’re just deluding yourself).

And so they dish out their mostly unwelcome opinions, heads cocked to one side (to convey empathy, I suppose?), dishing out the advice in the hope that they’re the one who will help you see the light.

And what do you mean you don’t want kids?

Do I wish I had a companion? Sure. Why not. Companionship is lovely when it’s with the right person. But I’m at a point in my life (and this comes following a bunch of failed encounters and relationships with very ill-advised men) where unless the guy is extraordinary in every way I need him to be extraordinary, then I’d genuinely prefer to be alone. I love my own company. I don’t need a sub-par man in my life just to prove something to someone, to please society or because I might get bored and lonely in my 80s.

Who said I’ll even make it that far? And have any of these people who are bored tried reading instead?

Without further ado, here are various things I hear on a pretty regular basis that need to go in the bin along with Boris Johnson, “rules” for dressing in your 40s, and 10-step skin care regimes that are just a scam. Those crow’s feet aren’t going anywhere, I’m afraid.

“You’ll meet someone great when you least expect it.”

I’ve least expected it most of my life, and yet here I am, still waiting for what, at this point, might as well be a mythical creature. Drop the platitudes.

“You might get lonely when you’re old…”

Oh, okay, so let me shack up with any guy on the off chance that when I’m old and losing my mind I’ll need someone to find my marbles for me.

If I’m lonely I’ll find a retirement community somewhere tropical like Thailand and have a grand old time there instead.

“Not all men are bad.”

I’m fully aware of that. But after years of trauma and emotionally-immature men expecting me to be their therapist, I’m done. So like I mentioned above, unless he’s got his shit together I no longer have patience. I refuse to carry on being a rehab centre for unstable men.

“But you’re too smart/pretty/interesting to be single.”

I’m also too smart, pretty, and interesting to be having this conversation. Please just stop.

“Have you tried Bumble?”

Yes, and I’ve met some absolute muppets. Life is too short to spend it on awful dates with mediocre men who can’t hold a conversation to save their lives. Next.

“You can always freeze your eggs, you know?”

Yes, I’m fully aware. And no, I have no intention of paying extortionate amounts of money to freeze a bunch of my cells on the off-chance I might change my mind about having kids. The world is on fire; my genes end with me.

“But what if you change your mind about having babies?!”

Ah yes, this old classic. Well, let’s put it this way – I’ve pretty much achieved everything I’ve ever really wanted to so far or set my mind to (minus one thing that I’m sure I’ll manage one day). Kids have never featured on this list. Trust me, if I really wanted them, I’d have found a way to have them, or I would have frozen my eggs. I wouldn’t have needed you to tell me about this magical world of egg freezing because I’d have already got it done (shocking, I know).

I’m the kind of person who always goes for what I want. And if I change my mind about kids, I’ll adopt one. There are far too many unwanted children who need love for me to bring anymore onto this toilet of a planet.

So, the next time you come face-to-face with a single woman in her late-30s and you feel inclined to use any of the above, I implore you to stop. Sit on your hands if you have to. Talk about the weather. But don’t dish out these platitudes and lines because we’re tired of hearing them. We’re smart, independent, and we’ve made it this far in life doing absolutely fine. We’ll live, don’t you worry about that.

If you’re a fellow single woman in her late 30s who has had to grit her teeth through all of this nonsense without yelling “BUT WHAT ABOUT MY ACHIEVEMENTS AND TRAVELS AND ALL OF THESE INTERESTING THINGS I DO ON A MONTHLY BASIS, DO THESE MEAN NOTHING?! I feel you. I hear you. You’re not alone.

And do let me know if you want to join me in Thailand.

Do you have any others to add to this list? 😏

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