My Problem with British Men

I’m sure this post is going to cause something of a stir, and I usually try to steer clear of controversial topics because I cannot be bothered to deal with the stress of people swearing at me. However, this particular topic is one that I’m passionate about, so I do not care; I’m going to rant away.

If you ask any woman who isn’t from the UK to think of a British guy, she will invariably think along the lines of Colin Firth. Dashingly handsome, emotionally awkward, and the quintessential English gentleman, Colin Firth is the guy you would love to bring home to meet your mum. You can just tell that he’s someone who knows how to treat a lady – and yes, we may all be dreaming, but it’s better than believing that Russell Brand is as good as it gets. Most women who aren’t from the UK think Colin represents what a typical British guy is like – and that they all come complete with that accent.

I always feel bad about having to enlighten my international sisters with the truth, but I think it’s my duty to spread the word: British men are nothing like Colin Firth. The majority of them don’t talk like that, most of them aren’t particularly gentleman-like, and, no, none of them are going to recite poetry to you while you sit by an open fire.

I’ve had extensive experience of talking to guys over the years – guys from all corners of the globe, and unfortunately my compatriots really ruffle my feathers. So, what is my problem with British men? I’ll break it down for you.

 1.    They do not know how to chat women up

Your typical chat up line from a British guy will be something along the lines of “Nice tits, love.” Nice tits, love? Are you serious? First and foremost, if you’re going to try and chat to a woman, the last thing you want to do is make her feel like she is a porn star. Instead, you’re supposed to engage her in some way, whether it be by using your wit or your intelligence; you need to say something that’s going to make her think “Oh wow, I need to keep talking to this man.”

“Nice tits, love,” just isn’t going to cut it.

And if you feel the need to compliment a woman’s physical attributes (because, let’s face it, we do like it when men do that), you need to go the way of the Italians. The Italians really deserve an A star when it comes to dishing out the “I need to have more of you” compliments. The best line I’ve ever heard from an Italian was: “You have a beautiful shape.”

“You have a beautiful shape.”

“Nice tits, love.”

See where I’m going with this?

On top of the lack of appropriate lines, my British brothers can only seem to muster up the courage to chat a woman up when they’re drunk off their faces, which does not help their cause. They come across as leery, perverted and pathetic, and quite frankly, I hate nothing more than drunk idiots trying to talk to me. And grope me. Since when did I become your personal stress ball, moron?

Oh, and by telling me to “cheer up love” while I’m quietly trying to enjoy my drink you’re just asking for a bruising.

2.    They all think they can land a supermodel

Psychologists have found that on the whole people are attracted to people who are of similar attractiveness as themselves, which makes a lot of sense when you think about it – as much as we’d all like to think we’d be able to land George Clooney, the truth is only the likes of Stacy Keibler  and Elisabetta Canalis are going to manage that one.

British men, however, all think they have the ability to pull a Cheryl Cole lookalike (not that I think she’s particularly attractive, but she’s one of FHM’s (the British guy’s Bible) favourite pin ups, so I’ll go with her). They have no qualms in dismissing perfectly pretty girls, because most of them always think that they can do better.

I blame FHM and all ‘lads’ magazines, such as this lovely specimen. According to these publications, we’re all supposed to look like Barbie, complete with fake hair, an impossibly tiny waist and legs that stretch from Edinburgh to London. Quite frankly, I’d rather eat cake and have shit hair than land one of these guys anyway, so carry on.

3.    Lad culture

Most British guys are happy to call themselves ‘lads.’ Lad culture can be summarised in this quotation from the book Narcissism in High Fidelity: “Lads took up an anti-intellectual position, scorning sensitivity and caring in favour of drinking, violence and a pre-feminist and racist attitude to women as both sex objects and creatures from another species.”

In short, lads love football, beer and sex. They are brought up believing that exhibiting any sort of affection or emotions to members of the opposite sex is ‘weak’ and spend most of their lives trying to show how they’re ‘well hard.’

Out of all of this, it’s the attitude these guys have towards women that really gets to me. Fine, have your beer and your football (both of which I love), but it’s this ‘whatever’ stance a lot of these guys have towards women that really bugs me.

From my experience with British men, you spend most of the time second-guessing how they feel because they cannot seem to manage simple displays of affection in the way guys from other countries can. They feel the need to seem ‘aloof’ the whole time, which is just so unappealing to me.

I always used to compare British guys to Cypriots. Sure, Cypriot men have a lot of flaws themselves (I could write a whole blog entry on that, too), however, their saving grace is that they’re not afraid to show their true emotions towards a woman they’re pursuing. If they like you, they will let you know.

 4.    Their idea of romance is beer and a curry

I cannot claim to be the world’s most romantic person, however, I’d be a liar if I said that I don’t like being told sweet nothings from time-to-time. And, let’s face it, I’m a writer, so I like a man who isn’t afraid to express how he’s feeling, even if it’s just a simple text message to say how much he misses me.

British men seem to have skipped the part in the manual that teaches romance. I’m talking real romancing. Whatever happened to wining and dining a lady? Dates in the UK (if you can even call them that) usually entail a few pints in the local pub and maybe a movie, if you’re lucky. There’s no thought behind it.

And it needn’t be anything cheesy – I for one hate too much cheese unless it’s of the Brie variety, but come on lads, step up your game a bit. I can only speak for myself, but I’m sure that a lot of women feel the same – we’re all looking for a gentleman. Someone who isn’t afraid to show how he feels, someone who puts thought into the whole courtship part of a relationship, and someone who can think of a date that’s more original than pints and pies.

So these are the reasons I have a problem with British men, and, on the whole, I avoid them. Which is fine, I’m sure they’re not too enamored by me either.

Note: I cannot stress enough here that this is just the way I see things, and I’m more than aware that there are always exceptions to any rule. However, this is how I view the majority of them, and for this very reason, I gave up on them a long time ago.